Shattered hopes and dreams

I am now on my final few days of this crazy MCAT journey, and can I just say (although you may think I'm crazy)...studying is really like an extreme sport for me. Especially when I'm in cramming mode like I am now it is not only an intense mental activity but it is spiritual, emotional, and physical as well.

Yesterday I woke up and immediately started in. About 14 hours later I realized I was still going, hadn't eaten all day, and yet was still completely stimulated (there are just so many more exciting things to learn/review). I am actually really looking forward to taking the test on Friday and I'm pretty sure it's going to be the most fun I've ever had taking a standardized test, because it's almost entirely content based! It has been so rewarding studying and taking practice tests because most of the stuff I already know! And it's really comforting to realize that in all my many years of learning and teaching quite a bit has actually stuck with me.

Anyway, none of this is what I really wanted to post about today. As I mentioned before, this studying process has not only been mentally enlightening, but it has led to some deep contemplation about extremely emotional and spiritual aspects of my life (I guess it just goes to show that a stimulated mind is capable of balancing all sorts of things!). Specifically I've been thinking a lot about all of the hopes and dreams I've had throughout my life, and in particular throughout my time in Boston, and how most of them, inevitably, have been shattered.

Now I know that sounds completely depressing and sad, and believe me it has been! Nothing can adequately describe the intense, crushing feelings of confusion, loneliness, despair, etc...(insert whatever other depressing emotions you want) that come when your vision of where your life should be or should be going is ripped away from you. Those moments happen, but it's important for me to remember that they are just that...moments, and usually they are fleeting. Thankfully I have a loving Heavenly Father who reminds me as I turn to Him that those shattered dreams are just my dreams. His dreams for me are far more grand and encompassing than I can imagine. I have always loved this parable about how God works in our lives:

Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on: you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently he starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of-throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were going to be made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace. (C. S. Lewis, Mere Christianity)

Even though it hurts, sometimes abominably, the shattering of my dreams simply makes way for new ones...better ones. I have begun to realize how important it is for me personally to distinguish between knowing what God wants for me and knowing what He wants for me now. In the eventualities of time and eternity I know that He wants me to have all of my righteous desires for education, career, family, and ultimately exaltation fulfilled. However, I find that it is damaging to me when I artificially impose a time-table on Him for when all of those things are going to happen, because it is actually His timing that allows me to realize all of those dreams.

Unfortunately we live in a world that demands immediate gratification. If we need to know something or buy something we can know it or buy it immediately. We also live with the reality of a church culture whose emphasis on marriage and family makes us feel as though we are abnormal if we don't have those things now. When I struggle with a weakness or work on a long-term goal of mine it is easy to get frustrated with myself when the results aren't immediate or when I find myself falling back into old comfort zones. So I guess my question is, how do we find peace and happiness in our immediate yet imperfect circumstances while still focusing on the eternal, yet currently unfulfilled goals/desires? Is some degree of unhappiness or dissatisfaction necessary for us to keep striving toward achieving our righteous goals? What about those things we don't really have control over, like marriage and family? How can we find a happy equilibrium?

I think for me, turning to the Lord and asking Him for knowledge about His plan for my now is helpful. When I came to Boston I had a very clear plan: I was going to be here for a year while finishing my thesis, graduating, and applying for graduate school, then I was going to go to graduate school. I felt as though a mix of divinely-guided circumstances led me here and I was ready to carry out my plan. Life was great. Almost immediately after moving though, my glorious plan was shattered by some serious, life-shaking revelation (details omitted). And now, I am all of a sudden finding myself studying for the MCAT and applying to medical school, which is something that was so far from my plans it is still weird for me to think about it. But, this is what He wants for me now, and He doesn't just want me to do it, but He wants me to be passionate about it and stretch myself to new limits of both temporal and spiritual understanding. How could I not get excited about that?

But sadly enough, no matter how wonderful my now is I still find myself worrying about all the things I'm still not, the things I don't have, and how on earth a career as a physician-scientist is going to fit in to the grand plan for my life. Sorry, but an MD/PhD program is a long commitment, even if you know it's what you want and love. In a recent blessing I received though (man, I'm sharing a lot personal stuff today) my anxieties were addressed by the following counsel:

The Lord understands that at certain times you need to compartmentalize and focus on one aspect of your life. Don’t feel guilty if you have to put certain things on hold in order to focus on your career for the moment. The Lord understands. As you read the scriptures and pray every day the Lord will guide you in your life and help you not just make future plans for years, or months, or weeks in advance, but He will help you make wise decisions about how to use your time on a daily and even hourly basis.

Pretty good stuff huh? I can't tell you how comforting it is for me to know that for now this is what the Lord wants for me. When I look into the future, my path is still pretty murky but as I daily, and even hourly work on fulfilling the things He wants for me now I have no doubt that the path I am walking will eventually, in time or eternity, lead to the realization of all of my righteous desires.

How grateful I am for a loving Heavenly Father who has all things before Him and knows what He is making me into. If sometimes that construction process hurts, good! I'm glad because I know that it's leading me closer to Him. I have never regretted replacing those shattered dreams of mine with His and as I continue to do so I marvel at how His timing and His plan for me allows all of those dreams to be fulfilled. He truly came and is still there so that I "might have life, and that [I] might have it more abundantly" (John 10:10) for which I am and will forever be grateful.

Oh man, this is going to be an exciting abundant summer of reading, pondering, and random philosophizing, cause I have so many more questions and thoughts! So get ready all ye few (two?) who actually read my blog...you're in for some lengthy, most likely nonsensical, but hopefully somewhat interesting mental meanderings.